9 of 366Posted: January 9, 2016
Tonight I am taking a train to Asbury Park to celebrate the 50th birthday of a dear friend who becomes dearer and dearer the more ancient and decrepit he becomes. Smiley face.
I am on the train right now, actually. Writing this in tiny poking finger typing on my phone. Among the huddled masses trying to leave New York at this most peaky of hours. People in general can be very bleak.
Kip went down with other friends, who drove early to settle in a hotel, nap so they tell me, and someone will pick me up from the Allenhurst station as soon as I get there. There will be lots and lots of people that I have never met, and I am never very excited about that. Plus, with the late arrival I will have missed most of the party but that is actually fine. I will get there in time for cake. I hope. What else matters?
I just now already ate a chocolate cupcake — no frosting — baked by my friend Francoise, also a zine-maker — who delivered it to me at the maple stand a few hours ago. She did not name it when she handed it to me, and I said thank you many times but there were lots of people trying to buy syrup and I didn’t have a moment to ask her what exactly it was. Besides, everything she bakes is pretty phenomenal. And what’s a cupcake when you’re on your way to eat birthday cake? It’s like a cake apertif.
Some things that happen as you get older:
–People you thought were a bit odd, or were kind of problematic in relationships, or were erratic on occasion; you realize that some, not all, some of those people are mentally ill. And since they are now 36 it’s gotten worse. And you can’t blame them for being a kid still.
–It becomes harder to remain close to those people, if you are on the outer electron shell that is not necessarily responsible for those people. It hurts too much that you can’t really do anything. They aren’t going to call you, after all, if they end up in jail. Probably. Did you offer? Do you remember?
–It becomes harder to separate the body from the mind. Kids are all either at various moments. Fundamental things first (eat, sleep, breathe) and slowly they begin to develop a little personality, eventually. But then you get older and your body starts making demands, as it did not when you were 24. Who, after all, at 24 ever actually notices that they are a body?
Because it is bright inside the train, and dark outside the train, the only thing you can see out the window are other lights. Particularly lovely are the Christmas lights here and there, which feel now a bit leftover. But then again they don’t really. Light in the winter. More of that.
More light in the dark winter.